Wednesday, September 22, 2010

A turn...

A very special man is dying. I almost married this man and yet we have not had any communication in over a dozen years. Unfortunately at the beginning of this year our only conversations were regarding a tragedy in my family that affected him as well. And I kept things every distant, somewhat informal. We learned that he was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer within about a week of our own heartbreak. But the reality of that didn't quite sink in. He has now 'taken a turn for the worse' and the reality of his mortality has hit me in the face, hard. It is so unbelievable. He has always been so vibrant, so healthy and active, so ALIVE! And now he has taken himself away to his sanctuary to wait things out I guess. He has removed himself from society, his family, his friends, those people around him that could offer so much love and support. He never liked conflict. He never liked to need things from others. He was always the giver.

I hate to admit I have regrets. So much can be read into that that probably shouldn't. But that is one of the overwhelming feelings I have right now. And the what ifs. That in no way should devalue the paths that I have taken. I fear people might think that. But it is there none the less.

I am struggling with death. It has beaten me up this year. I have to admit that I have been very fortunate in my life. Yes, people I know have passed throughout my 40+ years. But most of them were somehow removed, the mourning was vague. I have not had the practice to know what emotions can do to you when you least expect it, how the roller coaster of grief works. It has caught me off guard, unsettled me, plunged me into dark depths, taken my breath. I am tired.

I want to say "Please stop" but I realize that this really is only the beginning. We are entering that age when more bad news will come at us. When our parents mortality will be tested. When some of our dear friends will come to harm. I want none of it. I have no place for it. I have had enough. Please stop.

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