Long way around to heart achingly pure joy.

I keep having this little sayings and songs go through my head for the last week or so. Mostly in the middle of the night. (More on that later.)

Ding dong the meds are gone, the mental meds are gone. (think Dorothy for the tune on this one)
or
The meds have left the body. (think Elvis)

I did it. I weaned myself off my anti-depressant medications. And so far so good. Actually really good. I truly believe there can be better living through chemistry. And that is what I needed for a few years. But then I realized I was pretty numb. Which was okay for the bad stuff. But not so great for the good stuff.

I've been seeing and reacting to comments, stories, sayings, lately that talk about having to really live through things. To feel the feelings, all of them. Even when it is hard. That maybe medicating things away won't really fix them. And I have always believed this. But sometimes you do need a break. And I guess my mental break is over. It is now my time.

I was on an antidepressent about 15 years ago or so. For a year. And I called it my mental vacation. Seriously. Not only did all the yicky voices, messages, nagging worries take a break. So did my mental functioning. It was odd but I accepted a much more relaxed processing speed, limited vocabulary, delayed reaction times and other things along those lines. At the time I would have called it reduced band width. Now a days people would recognize it as Mommy Brain. Most of my friends with kids acknowledge Mommy Brain for about the first year or so. I think a lot of that is sleep deprivation combined with this new little being needing so much. You don't have much left over. Same kind of thing for me on the meds. Last time I just knew it was time for my vacation to be over so I stopped taking the meds and all was well. This time, not so much.

I had to step down my dosing for a month and then just I went cold turkey. And it was bad, but only for a few days. Can you say emotional roller coaster? Combined with major dizziness and naseau. And I felt like I had a fever. Now I have to admit I have been fighting the cold of all colds at the same time. Maybe not the best timing, but hey, when is.  But now I am through it. And I feel good. The one odd thing is that I am having trouble sleeping. This could be the steroids for my cold, or the cold meds. Or maybe I just have to get used to this new adventure. I could get to be pretty productive in the middle of the night. Oooh, maybe some hand sewing projects. Yes!

And here is the upside. I am here, in the present. I feel things now. Although admittedly not always good things. But I am feeling.

The other night the hard rain woke up the bug and she wanted to snuggle. I crawled into bed with her and experienced pure joy. Heart achingly pure joy. And that is what makes all this worth it.